I am Petrie

You suck at life.  You don’t even last me a day anymore and die at the most inconvenient times.  What if I died while you were trying to do something? See how bad that would feel.  So think about your actions before you do that again. But for now you are on time out on the charger so go sit on the shelf.

Feliz cumpleanos,

Petrie

Can you become incorporated already?  I really am not enjoying the crazy liberals in California trying to take you away from me.  We are friends, you kick ass and me not so much.  The average of us together is badass.  So please hurry up and don’t let California send you to jail.  They are silly there.

Thank you.

Love,

Petrie

Thanks for providing entertainment to me when I was a child.  I never wanted to break my mom’s back.  But lately you have been the enemy of fun violently grabbing my skateboards wheels.  It’s not that much fun anymore so can we be friends again?  Maybe grab a drink or 5 and you can hold me up while I walk home.

Ok thanks,

Petrie

SHUT THE HELL UP!  I trying to study.  I might lace your drinks with sleeping pills so I can get work done!  J/k I can’t focus on anything anyways. Just wanted to yell at someone.   I’m really a teddy bear, completely harmless.  Don’t mind me I might just go hide in a corner somewhere.

Kindest Regards,

Petrie

Can you please inch out into the intersections when you have the green yield light when making a left turn?  It is really aggrivating to have to sit through 3 red lights to turn left anywhere.  Its not that difficult.  Ill draw you a picture. 

See now when the light turns red you can go through the intersection.  Very simple.

Thanks,

Petrie

What does it feel like to have Purrell hand sanitizer poured on you? Does it burn or is more of a vaporization like the atomic bomb?  I would really like to know.  So I will stop using Purrell santizer for a little bit.

Also what is the giant flood like?  Is Noah there to build an ark, saving two kinds of every germ?  I hope not otherwise hand washing would be a waste of time.

If you could get back to me I’d appreciate it.

Sincerely your enemy,

Petrie

I know you are trying to save water and all that nonsense.  Yippee for being green, you should have a ribbon.  But you tend to cause urine to splatter on my pants more often than normal urinals.  I think its because normal urinals have a bit of water at the bottom that I can pee into.

So please stop being pretentious, your older brother is way cooler than you.  Maybe you should tell your grandpa the pee trough to come back those were badass.

Au Revoir,

Petrie

Your owners are going to regret you in t-minus 5 years when they are no longer the same dumb person they are now.  Calling all Hipsters: “When you grow out of your current phase, you will regret all that dumb ink you put on your skin”.  Actually that applies to everyone with a dumb tattoo.

GOOD NEWS! Removing you not only expensive but painful and time intensive.  Yippee.  Thanks for not affixing your ridiculous self to me.

L’Chaim,

Petrie

You are the ones that keep problems alive.  Just think about it, if no one got offended by racial slurs then there wouldn’t be that problem.  But people have a hissy fit everytime a derogatory word is said, so they still have a negative connotation.  People are getting less offended by profanity these days and look its a part of common culture.

Also when you get offended by stuff your stress level rises which leads to a rise in blood pressure and more of a chance of heart attack.  So if you just hang out for a quick minute and brush it off, your day will be better off.

Yaaaayyyy! Happy Time,

Petrie